Since I recently traveled to Peru to immerse myself in the lost world of the Incas, you know I am not afraid to venture to any remote and perilous location to bring you news of unusual civilizations. Herewith my report on the species Steinus carolinensus:
This species has adapted to its new climate by eating the local diet of grits, biscuits, and country ham. This region has not adopted the New York custom of posting calorie counts on menus.The Carolinians believe very strongly in education:
One of their academic traditions is called "March Madness." If they study very hard, they can achieve a high status called "Final Four." If the students achieve Final Four status, they don a special form of native dress for their celebratory rituals.
The students form small families called "sororities" and "fraternities," in which they gather to drink a substance called "beer." The students shout "Go, Tarheels!" as they exhort their gods to preserve their special status.The Steinus carolinensus nurtures its young by feeding them at special buildings known as restaurants. This one uses a giant horse statue to signify that the special Carolina version of Chinese food is served here. Some of the young members of the species eat only one substance, chicken nuggets, but they usually outgrow that phase by the age of 25. This restaurant serves a Chinese version of chicken nuggets.
The young females are often given a special form of dress known as "Disney Princess" costumes. Once they don this special garb, the young females shriek and twirl around in circles until they fall down exhausted and must be carted away by their parents. The grandparents smile indulgently.
The canine family members are much more well behaved.
The Carolinians also take very good care of their elderly family members.
The Steinus carolinensus looks forward to visits from other members of the Steinus newyorkius branch. Y'all come back now--you hear?
